I Blame it all on the Baby
by MonaRider
Summary: Hormones race, auto corrects ruin lives and the laughter sets me free. Or if all else fails I have my tears and baby to keep me company. - Drabble Wars Prompt Challenge -
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.

There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.

Read and enjoy!

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.:1:.

"Jasper," I scream.

"What?" He yells back, knowing it will irritate me that he didn't just get up and come see what I needed.

"Asshole, come in here and help me up 'cause I'm hungry!"

"Give me a minute," He yells back again.

"I'm fucking hungry now!" I pout.

"And you'll be hungry a minute from now," He retorts, trying to reason with me.

"But food made by you now is better!" I kick my feet.

"I'm working," he whines back.

"And, I'm growing your baby!"

"Why did I marry you?" He narrows his eyes at me from the doorway.

"Uh 'cause you fucking love me... now you ass help me up or make me some food," I bitch-slash-beg him.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

**C ya'll Tomorrow for the rest...  
**

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.:2:.

"It's too far away!" I sob loudly, hoping Jasper will take pity on me and bring me my phone that is taunting me from across the room.

"What's too far away pumpkin?" Dad asks, walking into the room.

"Dad whatcha doin' here?" I wipe my tears away.

"It's Friday, did you forget?" He hedges the question while he takes a seat on the ottoman at the end of the bed.

"I did forget...I'm such a bad daughter!" I cry a new round of tears while Charlie pats my back awkwardly.

"It'll be okay."

I wail louder into the pillow, because I just know it won't be.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

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.:3:.

"Now are you done acting like a crybaby?" Jasper asks with his hands on my hips, while I waddle down the hall.

"No, I'm hungry, hormonal and fucking pregnant!"

"Really, I wasn't aware." He says cheekily.

"Now why the fuck did I marry you?" I laugh at the face he makes.

"Ah, but baby?" He tries to schmooze his way up next to me, but I bypass him with a laugh. His waggling brows deflate and his bottom lip is trembling in the cutest pout ever.

I sigh and he takes it as his way in, by caging me with his arms around me. He doesn't settle until his hands are working into my aching back and dammit I moan. It's a reflex a pregnancy reflex.

"Damn you!" I giggle as his fingers slowly work their way around to dig into my sides.

"I love you too. Now come my preggo baby!" He says with a smirk and a smack to my ass. That fucker.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:4:.

My phone beeps and I frantically search through the blankets that Jasper has wrapped around me on the couch. When would I ever need five heavy blankets in October? Ah ha, found it, under my ass of course, where else would it be. I roll my eyes and attempt to do my pattern like six times.

"Piece of crap. I will sell you!" I growl at it.

"Backwards L not 7," Jasper leans back from his chair to look at me and I stick my tongue out. Mr. know-it-all...

"Jerk!" I unlock my phone and see text from Rose.

Rose: Hey


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:5:.

Rose: Hello?

Rose: How are you?

Me: Damn don't get your panties in a twist, bitch! I'm good. This pregnancy is giving me a massive cravings for horsedick!

Me: OMG

Me: Horseradish!

Rose: hahahahahahahahaha

Me: Fuck off!

Rose: Off that horsedick you've been craving?

Me: I hate you!

Rose: You will after you find out that I forwarded this to everyone. TTYL freak xoxo.

"That bitch!" I scream, agitated.

"That's no way to talk about my baby," Jasper says bending over the side of the couch to kiss my belly. Pulling out his phone, he begins laughing so hard he falls back. Rolling on the floor laughing has new meaning, now that it's my husband.

"I got a horsedick for you baby," He starts, but trails off, laughing again.

"I hate you!" I say thickly, my eyes tearing up close to a blubbering scene. Fuck these hormones.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:6:.

"Oh god, Horsedick..." Emmett is bent over laughing so hard he is smacking his knee.

"Ha, ha, very fucking funny!" I pout and Jasper rubs his fingers into my shoulders.  
"It's okay baby, we all know you love my horsedick." He comments.

I cover my heated face with my hands, resting my elbows on the table and willing myself not to get emotional over this.

"Give Bella a break," Edward pipes up and laughs.

"Thanks," I mumble, looking over to him, but it was a mistake and I fell into it.

"The girl knows what she wants, and she wants a horsedick!" He says with a laugh.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:7:.

"So I got an interesting text the other day," Charlie says, over his red beans and rice with halibut, I slaved hours over the stove to make.

"Oh yeah?" I try to sound interested, but I was staring at his halibut that I couldn't have. Fucking mercury filled fish.

"Something about you craving horsedick...Should I be concerned Bella?"

Oh god! My fork clatters to the plate, making me more fucking emotional because these plates were from Charlotte Whitlock, Jasper's mother.

"No dad, it was a fucking auto correct." I explain.

"What's auto correct?" I roll my eyes because there isn't enough time in the world for me to get him to understand.

"Just a mistake dad," I swore and he dug back into the food with a grunt.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:8:.

"I think I'll indulge in a little self love," I tease Jasper, before locking myself in the bathroom.

"Baby, come on... Dont'cha love me? 'Cause baby, I love you!" Jasper says sing-songy from the other side of the door, as I turn on the shower to drown him out. Serves him right... the asshole!

I took a shower and shaved my legs in cool water, so not to get overheated. I towel dried then blow dried my hair. I took the longest possible time I could while in there. The knocking and pleading quit or maybe it I just got better at ignoring it, him.

Horsedick's been haunting me for weeks. Rosalie even sent it to my doctor, I've never had a moment peace from this stupid autocorrect mistake.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:9:.

My phone pinged and I didn't even look for it. Then it pinged again and again. Fuck. I pulled it out of my robe pocket.

Rose: Hey?

Me: What do you want? More jokes?

Rose: Why you so touchy miss preggo...

Me: Oh, I don't know maybe because you sold me out to everyone over one mistake. Bitch!

Rose: Whatever, we're going out!

Me: Jasper won't let me out!

Rose: Yeah, he will.

Me: He is a fretty bitch lately.

Rose: Have you gave him any?

Me: Fuck off, he is being all scared thinking if he even sticks it in, he'll throw me into labor. Stupid bitch at Lamaze said that's how her last baby was a month early.

Rose: TMI bitch! He is my cousin. So yay or nay?

Me: Yay!


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:10:.

"So you're DD tonight right?" Alice yells over the music, while downing drink after drink. Her neon pink dress glowed brightly under the blacklight.

"I already told'ya Bella said she would," Rosalie snaps, sipping her drink.

Angela and Jessica were quiet in the booth. I suppose they were waiting for the showdown between Alice and I, but I just didn't care to even hash them details right now.

"Yeah, well Bella lies!" Alice retorts a while later.

"What did I lie about Alice? We had sex...fell in love and now we're married. What the hell did I lie about?"

"That we'd never date the leftovers... And he was mine!" Alice turns her head away and wipes her eyes. Fucking faker!

"So, by those terms you lied first, right?" I ask waiting for her to interrupt me but she doesn't. Rosalie gives me a pleading look, but I can't help it. "Edward, senior prom in the back of the limo and that would be cause for a twofer lie right, since he was my boyfriend at the time?"


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:11:.

"How's my little princess?" Jasper rubs his hand over my belly, laughing when she moves around for his feeling and viewing pleasure.

"She is pretending to be a gymnast and it's annoying," I complain.

"Momma loves you, she is just being crabby." He spurts some cream onto my belly and smooths it around over the faint pink lines of my stretched skin. He leans down kisses my popped belly button, then licks it.

"Gross!" I squeal.

"It's just so cute!" He holds me still.

"It is not!" I hit him on his shoulder.

"So how was your big night out. I can see by how swollen your feet are that you danced more then you should have."

I shrug and Jasper's hands work their way from my belly up to my breasts. I smile when he leans over to kiss me. I am so getting laid!


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:12:.

"What do you mean she lost her mucus plug? What the hell is that and how do we find it?" Jasper demands pacing the small room.

"She just means that my cervix is ripening," I try to say softly, to bring him down from his panic.

"Ripening, so it's a fucking fruit now? How is our baby? Will she come out like a guava? Is it hot in here?" Jasper spits out questions, using a motherhood magazine to fan himself.

"Is this normal?" I hedge looking at the Doc, while she tries to hold back the laughter she wants to release.

"This is one of the most flighty!" She says and as if right on cue Jasper kisses my forehead and is out the door looking like he may barf.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:13:.

"What do you think you're you doing?" Jasper demands, standing in the doorway with a beer can in his hand.

"I just wanna peek!" I whine, with a stomp of my foot.

"Leave the guy alone Bell!" Emmett shouts from the other side of the door, and I glare at Jasper.

"Yeah, Bella we're almost done with painting!" Edward adds.

"You have those two in there?" I tap my foot and Jasper hangs his head.

"Fucking morons," He grumbles.

"Baby please?" I beg leaning into him and he shakes his head.

I huff, scream and spin around and stomp down the hall. Asshole!


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:14:.

"Keep 'em closed," Jasper demands, his hand over my eyes guiding me into the nursery.

"They're closed," I promise.

"Your lying, I can feel your lashes!" Jasper accuses me and I finally close my eyes. I feel him lift his hand and move away from me. "Okay, open em."

I do, and my hand flies to my mouth as I take in the room. The very princessesque room. Pink everywhere with glitter embedded into the wall, casting a disco ball like effect. I couldn't help but release the tears that I held back.

"So?"

"I love it!" I exclaim falling into his chest with my forehead.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:15:.

Oh god.

The bed is so wet.

Did I pee myself?

I lift the blanket and look down at the puddle.

Gross!

I shove at Jasper and he sits up rubbing his eyes.

"Baby, did you pee the bed?" He asks with a look of disgust and I shove at his shoulder.

"No, you asshole, I think my water broke!" I sob frantically.

"What! Your water broke! How do we fucking fix it?" His eyes wide as he scrambles from the bed.

"Help me get in the shower!" I demand.

"What if the baby falls out?" He runs around grabbing bags, trying to pull me out of the bed.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:16:.

"Push!"

I did, and the squeal of little lungs had me breathing again. The baby was rushed across the room and I shove at Jasper to go to her. His eyes as full of tears as mine are. I watch with my legs still up in the damn stirrups, while Jasper snaps pictures after picture of our baby. My heart feels so heavy with love.

It's all consuming and smothering kind of love that blankets all the pain that once was, with the joy of her. Jasper holds her first, its only fair since I've held her for the last eight and half months. After a shower for me and first bath for her we finally meet. It's a joyous occasion and I can hear angels singing. This is right.

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**E/N: Do any of you ladies remember that moment when all the pain evaporates and you have this little alien thing that makes you want to have a glee moment? This is entirely something from my own experiences... only two more left! **


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:17:.

"That's one strange order ma'am," The butcher comments.

I smile taking the bundled package from him and handing him my card. While he runs the card I smile at my beautiful girl with her blonde hair and darkening blue eyes.

"I had a craving," I laugh at his expression while I take the card back and walk out with my head held high.

.

.  
I went to the market to get the rest of the ingredients I needed.

I plan to make a stew for my friends.

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**E/n: Devious much? Only one left!**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Thanks to Angie baby for everything she does for me.**

**There is an _depends_ warning for 'pissing yourself laughing'.**

**Read and enjoy!**

* * *

.:18 (Epilogue):.

"This is so good!" Rose praises, while shoveling another mouthful of stew into her mouth and from her it's a lot since she hardly eats anything fattening.

"Yeah, baby you out did yourself!" Jasper squeezes my thigh under the table.

"What did you make this with?" Edward picks up another spoonful, looking down at it.

Emmett has already gone for thirds and asks to take the rest home for lunch. I agree.

"I'm glad you all love it... 'Cause I had to special order the meat." I smile looking around the room. So happy Emily was up in her crib with the door closed, the monitor sitting beside my glass was silent.

"Special ordered, huh?" Emmett asks, not lifting his face from his bowl.

"Yeah, you wouldn't believe how hard it is to get good horsedick!" I laugh.

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**E/N: The End... Fin!**


End file.
